Resolutions are great, aren't they? Especially when they are shiny and new and the possibility of success seems close at hand. Prime example is this blog. I resolved that I would spend some of the time I would have spent on my studies on this blog this year. Started out great - then of course life has a way of intervening. Especially those other resolutions that I had made at the same time - like getting fit by joining the badminton club with my husband, staying on top of my kids' homework, going to their sporting events, taking on a new year of teaching Sunday School, taking advantage of any pulpit supply that comes my way, eating more healthy, walking the dog daily, keeping caught up with the housework...are you getting the picture?
And - all of these resolutions in a year when I had decided to get rid of the "shoulds" in my life. There was a time, early in the summer, (probably just a couple of weeks if I am being perfectly truthful) where I really felt that I had conquered the "shoulds". I had gotten rid of that feeling of pressure and dread of thinking, "I really should get at that laundry" or "I really should get on my bike and go for a ride". As soon as that word "should" comes into the picture it takes all the fun and joy out of any activity.
As I was collapsing under a pile of "shoulds" last week (one of which was "I really should put something on my blog") I was thinking back to what I had done differently those two weeks in the summer when I hadn't felt the burden of "shoulds" in my life. I couldn't seem to remember what I had done differently - I just knew I had felt better and more optimistic somehow. It took me a few days to figure out what was different - after all, the housework was pretty much the same, the demands of the kids was pretty much the same - why did those two weeks feel so different?
Then it hit me - those were two weeks when I had been really intentional about observing the Sabbath. I don't think I was observing the Sabbath in any traditional kind of way - I just decided that from lunch time on Sunday until supper time was my Sabbath time. It kept me focussed during the week. I could enjoy my paid work and my work at home because I knew I would have that time of refreshment on Sunday. I was resting and restoring myself so that I would have more to give in the week to come. And it worked.
So what happened? Why couldn't I keep it up? Well, life, of course, intervenes. I spent a weekend away and then needed to catch up on housework and didn't take Sabbath time for myself. I did pulpit supply and spent Saturday polishing my sermon and prayers, and so I didn't do my housework and got behind and decided to do that when I got back from preaching instead of engaging in some spiritually restorative activity. And all of a sudden Sabbath time became one of those things that I "should" do. I began to resist it. It wasn't restorative if I "should" do it, only if I took the opportunity to observe it.
I set the Sabbath aside - feeling like that was a strategy that just didn't work. I proceeded with my life and my now ever expanding list of "shoulds" - all the ones I listed above and more. I completely forgot about observing the Sabbath.
Then something happened a couple of weeks ago. Glenn, my husband, and I decided to play a game of Scrabble. All four kids were busy with reading or watching TV or in some other activity at home, and we decided to get out the Scrabble board and play. Something I don't think we've done in over two years - after all, there are so many things that we "should" be doing. We laughed and had a great time - even better than some contrived "date" night might have been. The kids wandered in and out of the dining room and even though we were having "grown up" time, it certainly felt like family time as well.
Something even more amazing happened the next day. I had a bounce in my step as I went about my Saturday chores. The kiss that Glenn and I start every day off with, seemed...fresher. For some reason, the children were all getting along really well, some even made their beds without being asked! Then something even more amazing happened, after months of thinking "I really should go to the YMCA and work out" - I actually just did it. Even though all four kids were in the house. I went to the Y and had a nice swim. And a nice chat with a lovely woman in the sauna afterward.
Then life went on. Back to work. Back to the grind. Back to the "shoulds".
This past Saturday I woke up tired. I didn't feel like doing my Saturday chores. So I didn't. But I felt a little guilty - like I "should" have done them. But I rested instead, albeit guiltily. Then Sunday I was up and ready for Sunday School and had a great lesson with the kids. Came home, made lunch and got up from lunch ready to go. I whipped around the house doing my Saturday chores in record time. It didn't feel like a burden it didn't feel like I "should" be doing them - I just wanted to. I did feel mildly guilty that I was doing chores on what I had decided was my Sabbath, but I let it go.
This morning as I was making Glenn's lunch a piece of scripture came to me that explained all of the things that had been happening over the last few days - Mark 2:27. Jesus tells the Pharisees, "The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath." I realized that when I took Sabbath time - even when it wasn't in my "allotted" time on Sunday afternoon - I was refreshed and viewed my work and chores as a desired part of my life and not as a burden of "shoulds". This happened when I played Scrabble on a Friday and when I decided to take Saturday morning off instead of a Sunday afternoon.
I was making my understanding of the Sabbath too small - confining it to a few hours I thought I could fit in during the week. I wasn't seeing the opportunities of Sabbath that came to me in the rest of the week. I also wasn't reaping the benefits of Sabbath time by thinking if I missed it on Sunday I couldn't take any of it until the next Sunday - providing, of course, that I wasn't too busy.
The Sabbath is made for me (and you, too) which means that we don't need to put it in a box marked "Sunday". We can expand the horizons of the Sabbath in a way that means we can take advantage of this time of rest and reflection. This is how I will try to live my Sabbath time in the future. Not as a snippets of time snatched from my life, but as a true part of my life. Not something that has to be planned and scheduled like a dentist appointment, but something to look forward to and cherish regularly.
My husband asked me if my small attempts at Sabbath have brought me any closer to God. I am not sure how to answer that. I think that it has brought me more peace in my life, and ultimately it will help deepen my relationship with the divine. I will have to wait and see...one Sabbath at a time.
